I’m going to my first pig save vigil tomorrow morning… I’m utterly terrified. I get close to tears even just thinking about it. But I need to go. I need to make this 100% real for me otherwise I’m scared I’ll somehow slip back into oblivion and denial and go back to the way I was. The way the rest of the world is. So I need to go for me. To keep me honest. But I’m also terrified of the way its going to affect me. I don’t want to be the stereotypical obnoxious vegan… but at the same time I do. I do and I don’t. I used to be really obnoxious about my atheism. I don’t think I’m OBNOXIOUS about it anymore, but I’m certainly not shy about it. But I feel that there are more atheists/agnostics in the world than vegetarians/vegans. I feel isolated and fear judgement even though I’m proud of my decisions.
I have a feeling tomorrow is going to change me. Sicken and horrify me. Amplify me. And I need to be okay with that. I need to stop feeling scared about the judgements people might make of me, something I’ve struggled with a lot of my life. I need to be braver, bolder, stronger. I stand up for what I believe in, and I take pride in that. I’ve been too quiet about things I care about lately as I trudge my way through menial jobs and seemingly countless years of post secondary education. I feel muted. I feel like I’ve just been putting my head down and ploughing through life focused only on getting by, not being me.
I am a queer (almost)vegan atheist. I believe in honesty, truth, and respect. Good luck shutting me up once I’ve gotten going.